


Drive Thru in Hell

by espurr_roba



Category: Miraculous Ladybug, Pokemon, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), Steven Universe (Cartoon), Total Drama
Genre: Everyone else - Freeform, Other, fast food au, seriously there are way too many characters in this aight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7624777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espurr_roba/pseuds/espurr_roba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do Parisian furries, elemental creatures of questionable power, caricatures of reality show personalities, and polymorphic sentient rocks all have in common?</p><p>They all fucking hate their jobs.</p><p>It's the Multi-Fandom Fast Food AU no one wanted, so strap in and kiss your sanity goodbye, 'cause we're gonna fuckin' go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drive Thru in Hell

**Author's Note:**

> I lost a bet.
> 
> So here you go.

To say nothing of the inner workings of a fast food establishment was a crime against capitalist society as a whole. Many would try to pretend as if such an odd, unique anomaly within the bubble of the space time continuum just simply didn't exist, and that sort of way of thinking did nothing to allow one in the good graces of our based underworld lord Vivillon.

Which is why those who lived within the confines of those cement walls were _blessed_ with the company of people just like them, from all walks of life.

Absolutely blessed.

Ha.

And you thought you knew your fast food AUs.

Strap in your butts, ‘cause you're in for a _wild fucking ride._

* * *

“Hi, welcome to the Fast Food Shoppe™, how may I help you?”

A large hand slammed down a whopping five dollar bill onto the counter, the other equally large hand cuddling a… oh good god what the fuck was that. It was some big ass fucking wooden thing, like it looked like a life sized pez dispenser if pez dispensers were not in fact pez dispensers.

Our dear deuteragonist Ladybug, superhero of Paris and full time cashier, just stared at the man.

The man flashed her a wink, one so _smooth_ , so _alluring_ , so, _so…_ **_Ridonculous._ **

“Two cheeseburgers please,” said Don, host of the Ridonculous Race, airs Thursday nights at nine in the afternoon. He motioned to the giant wooden _thing_ he held that was way too heavy for someone to hold with one hand with reasonable ease, Ladybug called shenanigans. “One for me, and one for my handsome friend here.”

Ladybug hated her fucking job.

* * *

“Ma’am, please, I can’t help you murder your past self, now are you gonna order some fries or not?”

Ampharos leaned onto the counter, her glorious sheep flippers totally not sliding around. Like, damn, that takes some skill using those flippers like some grade A finger hands. “Listen you little shit I don't care if you're the same species as me Flaaffy are fucking disgusting excuses for Pokemon and you _will_ help me cut a bitch or I’m getting your manager.”

Mareep smiled, expertly hiding the twitching of her eye. “I promise you, you do _not_ want to get my manager. Now please calm down ma’am, or I’m gonna have to escort you off the premises.”

Ampharos used Glare.

It didn't affect the employee that didn't give a shit.

Ampharos leaned in like, even farther, her feet didn't even touch the ground. “Alright, I’m gonna tell you a little secret,” she said in a low voice. “I didn't even want to be in this godforsaken fic now if you won't help me kill my shitstain self I am going to _burn down this establishment and--_ ”

“Hi, can I get a milkshake?”

Ampharos and Mareep simultaneously stared at the Flaaffy standing in line, all blissfully ignorant smiles.

As Ampharos was still frozen af, Mareep just mouthed, _“Run.”_

Flaaffy didn’t seem to catch the urgency of the situation, but nevertheless she turned and headed back towards the lobby area.

“Would you like some fries with that?” Mareep asked Ampharos with a shit eating grin.

* * *

“LADYBUG HOLY FUCK,” came the booming, sensual voice of Chat Noir as he straight up kicked the back door open. In his hands he held a box with one single hole in it, and on his body was his tasty leather suit just dripping with water. Mmm…  _Tasty._

As the excitable little ball of sin that he was, he bounced over to his dear sweet totally wicked cool lover, the Ladles.

Ladles was a nickname for Ladybug, if you didn't know.

Chat was just smooth like that.

“Chat please we’re working,” sighed Ladybug.

“CHECK IT OOOOOUT.” He thrusted the box into her face, breaking her nose. That was fine. Fanfic powers would just ignore that. “I came back from my water sports class, because you know how much I _looove_ getting wet--”

“That _is_ a verified fact,” Ladybug nodded, biting her lips.

“--and I found this box of KITTENS!” He fiddled with the flap to open the cardboard box. “They were just sitting out there, on the cold, cold stairs in front of someone’s house, behind a suffocatingly isolating screen door. So I put them in a box to protect them from the cold--”

“Chat, it’s summer.”

“--and I brought them here! They’re so cute Ladybug I mean seriously just look at--...”

Chat stared.

Ladybug stared.

Chat looked up.

Ladybug continued to stare at his glistening pecs.

Chat looked back down. But not at his pecs. Back at the box. Obviously.

Ladybug looked down into the box.

Ladybug’s eyes widened.

“Oh dear Christ on a stick what the fuck are those.”

“Definitely not kittens,” Chat wisely noted.

Inside the box were what could only be described as eldritch abominations, tiny, vaguely baby shaped things with skin as hard as wood. One of them looked up to the duo, eyes wide and soulless, and it opened its mouth…

_“Don/Donbox OTP.”_

Ladybug kicked the box out of the back room, punting it all the way into the lobby, immediately going to console a bawling Chat.

The box skittered and slid until it stopped in front of an empty booth. Well, technically empty. Who would even expect a glowing pair of eyes suddenly revealing themselves within an oddly shadowy part underneath the seats.

Whatever monster was under there pulled in the box of hideous Don/Donbox offspring, cackling something along the lines of _“baaaaby fiiiiic....”_

* * *

“HeeeEEEEEEY HOW’RE MY INFERIOR EQUALS DOING?”

Everyone working in the back of the Fast Food Shoppe™ sighed.

“Aw, c’mon, what's the haps my clods??” said the ever quirky Peridot. “Female Insect, Black Cat French, Sheep Pun?”

“THE KITTEEEEENS,” Chat cried right into Ladybug's arm, not even hearing Peridot’s words.

Ladybug, with an arm just coated with snot, saliva, and other questionable fluids, just gave Peridot a thumbs up she didn't even bother to make seem interested.

Mareep, with her stubby little legs covered in fry grease, suffering from first degree burns, smiled and chirped, “I want to die!”

“Terrific!” grinned our lovable Peridot, doing a little merry punching motion. Seriously what the fuck do you call that, I mean how frustrating is it to not have the words to describe something you know exactly what it is, shit man english is fucking bullshit let's be real here.

Peridot went over to a different part of the back of the shoppe, where the cooks actually cooked. “Heeeey, Assistant Manager P-Dot here, how’s it hanging Aquatic Based Lifeform, Phone Abuser, No Hands?”

“Ugh, why am _I_ Phone Abuser?” scoffed the bratty girl in front of a burning patty, too engrossed in her own phone to see the fire hazard in front of her. Some called her spoiled rich kid. Others called her the scum of the earth who takes advantage of her mother during a rather _ridonculous_ animated reality TV show because she’s a fucking brat. For the sake of this fic, we’ll call her… _Taylor._

“Because that is the purpose of ‘nick' ‘names’,” said Peridot, comically taking a concept as simple as that and assuming it to be some completely alien concept native to this section of Earth. Man, this fic is so hiiiigh- _larious_ , amirite????

Back to this. Taylor just scoffed, so rudely man. “Well fuck you, I’m quitting.” She tore off her stylish af uniform hat and jumped out the window, sticking the landing on the back of a motorcycle parked outside.

The driver of said motorcycle, a rocker dude who was most definitely drawn in the same art style as Taylor, just cheered as he revved up those engines. “LET’S GO RACE SOMEONE RIDONCULOUS BABE!!” hollered Rock. That was the rocker’s name. Rock. Gosh golly gee was Fresh TV so clever with their character names.

“CRACK SHIP BABYYYYYYYY,” screamed Taylor as they drove off into the sunset, where they burned alive. The end.

Nah, the fic’s not over yet. You wish.

Peridot turned to the other two cooks. “How about you, Aquatic Based Lifeform? No Hands?”

"Working hard, boss!” said, I shit you not, Spongebob as he saluted with his spatula in hand. “I might miss the Krusty Krab, but the inherent bourgeois individualistic nature of the systematic structure of that establishment convinced me to look for new opportunities elsewhere.”

Peridot, not exactly understanding why he just gave her his entire backstory, just smiled and nodded. “No Hands?”

A lone Wooper stood atop a tall stool, his restless, beady eyes shining with the powers of Satan staring down at a grease trap.

“Keep it up!” Peridot encouraged, because that’s how a assistant manager was supposed to act. Content with her six (or, five) employees, Peridot entered the _back_ back room, prolly like a storage area or something. What she saw would totally _blow. her._ **_mind._ **

“Ohhh _yes! Yes, Garnet!!_ Slam me! Slam me **_good._ ** ”

“I can see a future with me inside you.”

“C’mon, give me your Ruby and you can grope my Amethyst.”

Now, if this were rated higher than T, you could probably expect some smexy fusion fun times complete with in depth descriptions of their most sordid affair. But really, even if this were like M or E, how the fuck would they even ba-bang? They’re fucking _rocks_ people, they wouldn’t have the fucking genitals without shapeshifting them. And have you even _watched_ Steven’s Birthday?? I mean it shows that Gems can't stretch themselves too long or they fucking die, that’s prolly the real reason why Rose is fucking dead bc she just had to get bizzay with humans like holy shit Rose keep it in your pants alright.

Where was I… Oh, yeah. So for the sake of keeping the integrity of the rating structure intact, Garnet and Opal were ba-bangin’ offscreen, having some smexy fusion fun times.

Peridot, just waggled her finger disapprovingly, even though she was biting her lips so hard it drew green blood. “Now, now, what did I say about doing the do?”

“This isn't the fic for that,” both of them said in unison, with the same exasperated tone.

“C’mon, Peri,” Opal scoffed. “We all know you want in.”

Peridot got mega flustered. “No, w-what? How could you even - _no way!_ ”

“Don't deny it baby, there’s room for more.” Opal licked her lips seductively. “We can treat you right.”

“Or you could try the seven mile spanking machine,” Garnet suggested. “It starts with a mile of Rubies, five and a half miles of Pearls, ending with Malachite and a fusion of all the Diamonds to really get your booty quaking.”

Peridot seemed to consider this. “As a Gem, I find this to be repulsive. As an assistant manager, however, this puzzles and intrigues me.”

After several minutes of thinking, Peridot made her decision. “Smell ya later, _CLODS_ ,” she proclaimed, jumping out the window and heading off to her subplot.

* * *

“Yeah, can I get me three a hundred piece meals?”

“Is that for here or to go?” asked Mareep boredly, punching in the amount total with her horns or smth.

The customer, a short old woman with a carrot in her hands for some reason, who we will henceforth dub as DJ’s Momma, because apparently she’s a fucking meme and she’s legit only appeared in a few episodes out of Total Drama’s near decade long run, just gaped at the working ‘mon. “Be _scuuuuuuse me??"_  she asked grumpily. And also not so grumpily. Nah, she’s definitely grump. “Do you think I can eat all this shit by myself??”

Before Mareep could respond with a continuation of that reference that would no doubt have been out of character to her admittedly one note character as it is, DJ’s Momma brandished her carrot of doom. “Bitch I will _cut you_ with the carrot of my son’s tears,” she threatened, as if that was an actual threat.

Years of college for a Master’s degree in Engineering obviously helped Mareep perfect her skill of just smiling and nodding, deciding she would have rather dealt with the crazed Ampharos than this nutjob.

* * *

Oh god,  _angry_ customers.

Ladybug just watched in numb apathy as a fucking grass hedgehog just straight up starting going fucking apeshit about the Shoppe’s policies or some shit like that. Like seriously, how much anger could be contained in a fucking Shaymin??

“THIS IS _NOT_ A FUCKING THREE PIECE MEAL, IT’S FUCKING _SHIT_ AND HOW DARE YOU TRY TO MARKET IT AS ANYTHING ELSE??” Shaymin just started walking back and forth across the counter, and Ladybug had to wonder if they even had security or if that was just a figment of her imagination. “WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ASSHOLE TRIES MARKETING THIS SHIT ON ACTUAL BIG TITTIN’ TELEVISION THIS IS FUCKING _LIBEL_ I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT FUCKNUGGET.”

 _“_ Would you like a free foot long as a refund?” Ladybug just _sighed._

And suddenly Shaymin was all smiles. “Oh hell fuckin’ yeah!”

She used to be a superhero, you know. There was a part of her life where she didn't have to deal with snot nosed customers while dressed up like a total hasbeen.

Handing Shaymin their ‘order', they looked around the establishment, suddenly really taking in the ‘decor' (There was _one_ party light set up from some kid’s birthday months ago that never got removed, I shit you not). “Man, you know, I’m real fuckin’ smooth with my buddy Shrek, maybe I could see if I could bring hi--”

“ _NO,”_ screeched Ladybug, feeling a wave of panic wash over her. “Not Shrek, do _not_ bring Shrek into this.”

“What? Why not?”

“ _Copyright infringement._ ”

“Uh, what?” Shaymin scoffed. “You fucking retard, you have like _every trademarked thing ever_ in this fucking fic, why the hell not?”

She averted her gaze. “Not actual copyright. Just… Not Shrek. We’re not touching that one fic.”

Shaymin just shrugged. “Whatever fuckface.”

The relief washed over her, and yet she still looked back over to Chat Noir, who was enjoying his break while drinking a delicious soda, sucking on an oversized green straw.

Ladybug shuddered.

Not this fic.

Never this fic.

* * *

“Hi, welcome to the Fast Food Shoppe™, home of the fast food, can I take your order?” Chat Noir greeted into his headpiece.

“Adrien.”

He froze upon hearing that familiar voice. After a few seconds, Chat just straight up groaned. “Ugh, what do you want, _Dad?”_ He spat out the word like venom.

“ _I want you to end this charade,”_ came Gabriel Agreste’s disapproving voice. " _It’s time to come home.”_

“You don’t undERSTAND DAD,” pouted Chat real manly-like. “This isn't a phase, this is who I rEALLY AM.”

_“If you don't give me your miraculous I’m disowning you.”_

“What? No, I mean being a fast food employee, not being Chat Noir.”

 _“You’re killing yourself, son,”_ tsked his father. They were both silent for a moment until Gabriel followed it up with, _“I’ll take two Double Whoppers.”_

Chat got the food made like, super quick, because duh it was _fast food,_  not _slow cooker._  Those things are shit man. Anyway, he opened the drive through window, handing a man in a butterfly outfit complete with a sort of menacing mask his order. “Five bucks.”

Now, if you couldn't tell, this was Hawkmoth. Seriously who the fuck even cares some of you probably don't even watch this fucking show so whatever Gabriel Agreste is Hawkmoth or whatever. But hey, that’s just a theory. A _lame theory._ Thanks for watchin’.

…

So anyway.

Chat glanced past his father, seeing a giant butterfly thing in the passenger seat. “Who's your friend?”

“That’s the dark lord of our feeble lives, Vivillon,” he answered boredly.

Vivillon, the embodiment of all that was evil, stared lifelessly at Chat. It was only slightly unnerving.

“I’m taking Vivillon to the aquarium so they can murder all the fishes.”

Chat Noir just gasped. “You _bastard._ ”

The car sped out of the drive thru.

“ _YOU NEVER TOOK_ **_ME_ ** _TO THE AQUARIUM,_ ” Chat wailed, tears and snot dripping down his face at the thought of his father’s utter betrayal. He collapsed to his knees, stuffing his sorrows with patented delicious Fast Food Shoppe™ Frenchie Fries.  


* * *

The seven mile spanking machine, to put it in human terms, was an absolutely  _indescribable experience._

Peridot made it to the end of the line, rubbing dat deliciously sore ass.

“CALL ME SOMETIME BABY,” said Malachite seductively.

With a wink and a finger gun, Peridot replied back coyly, “Don’t worry, I gotch yo numbah!” before heading away from the ass slap line, her rear still feeling tingly.

She walked for miles. Why, she didn't know. Guess it was just for the convenience of the plot.

She walked.

And she walked.

And she walked.

And she actually slept.

But then she walked while sleeping.

And after a long, long, long, long, long time, she suddenly woke up in somewhere that _definitely_ wasn't a barren Windows 8 background field.

It was dark, that much she knew. And it was small, the walls felt so constricting. Speaking of, it just felt like wood everywhere.

Was this a…

Was she inside a shed?

_“Hello, Peridot."_

“ _AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,”_ Peridot squealed at the top of her lungs, because she was always taught about the dangers of stranger danger.

The shed just shook, a moan of pain echoing from within, which caused Peridot to just keep squealing for far longer than should be humanly possible.

“ _Ow! Shit fam, can you please dial it back a bit?”_

“aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh?”

_“Better. My name is Shed.”_

“Aah??”

_“Yeah, and after all these years of waiting, you finally came inside of me.”_

“Aaahhh.”

_“Yup. So I’m a super omnipotent being of pure  mystic intelligence, and I would be honored if you could use my powers for your goals.”_

Peridot gasped, stars in her eyes. “Ahhh!” She cleared her throat. “Let’s do it!”

She came out of Shed and climbed on top of him, planting dat ass on his roof. And together, they shot off into the air with their booty rockets of steel and headed for the only destination that ever existed.

* * *

Remember the Ampharos that wanted to kill her past self? Remember that plot line? Do you? See how totally on top of things I am with my plot lines? Be sure to like comment and subscribe if you want more videos like this!!!! ((((((:

So anyway, that Ampharos was totally snooping around the lobby, tryna track down her fucking lame-o past self. Bejesus, why the fuck was this place so big??

She did some wicked cool spy moves, rolling around at the speed of creaking hardwood, hiding in a booth occupied by a human with a bag and a Piplup.

“Psst, have you seen some snot nosed kinda wooled sheep but not quite running around here?”

The human girl, with a skimpy af anime schoolgirl outfit and hair as blue as some obligatory blue comparison, blinked at Ampharos. And then, get this, she started to curl a strand of hair, leaning forward almost seductively. “Can’t say I have, but feel free to stay a little longer.”

Ampharos just stared at her.

The Piplup sitting beside the girl opened their beak to speak, but the girl just pressed a finger against it. “Shh, mama Dawn’s talking, sweetie.”

“So, no Flaaffy?” asked Ampharos, feeling kinda creeped out.

Dawn smiled coyly, something about her grin screaming suspicious. “Mm, sadly not. C’mon baby, whatdya say we _spotlight_ together?”

Ohhhh, geddit?? ‘Cause that was a thing from the anime. Man, this author was super clever, no doubt about that.

Anyway, Ampharos’s attention was pretty much just focused on that totally suspicious bag Dawn had with her. It looked _awfully_ Flaaffy sized…

Suddenly, Dawn placed a hand against Ampharos’s cheek, leaning in with her lips puckered…

And Ampharos snatched the bag, sidestepping the unwanted kiss. “Ha! Now I’ve got you--... bondage gear?”

Seriously what the actual fuck.

Dawn took back the bondage way too small for her human body, pouting childishly. “Don’t you be judging me for what I do.”

“Help me,” mouthed the Piplup.

As Ampharos gave zero fucks, she just groaned in frustration and started to leave the booth, only to trip on _something,_  landing right on the floor.

“What the _fuckle??”_ cursed Ampharos, glaring down at whatever it was that just tripped her.

From underneath the booth in the most shadowy part hissed some creature, pulling back in what looked to be a box.

Ampharos just groaned.

Being a customer fucking sucked.

* * *

Being an employee fucking sucked.

Seriously, Ladybug did not need some fucking bug monster in a trenchcoat trying to act like some special agent in a fast fucking food establishment.

Like, _fuck,_ man.

_Jeeez._

“Sir, please order something or leave,” Ladybug sighed.

The bug man, his horn and his general _look_ denoting him as a Heracross, just looked shiftily to the left and right. “In a second.”

“ _Sir."_

“Tell me, have you seen a…” Another shift of the eyes until he stared at her dead on. “ _Baby lover?”_

Ladybug was flabbergasted. “ _Sir,_ ” she said in disbelief.

“Not like that,” Heracross amended. “I mean a human who dreams of spending their life obsessively caring over babies until it destroys them from the inside out. I believe you’d call her… Amanda?”

Suddenly, there was a loud screeching noise, so high that it actually cracked all the windows.

A figure jumped out from underneath a booth, clutching the box of Donbox babies for dear life. This person looked totally cray cray ngl yo.

Heracross ditched his gaudy trenchcoat and narrowed his eyes at this newcomer. “ _Amanda_ ,” he seethed.

Amanda gave an inhuman shriek.

...and then she cleared her throat. “As I was saying, you're _never_ taking my babies away.” She held them even closer, squishing the box. “I’m gonna hold them, and cuddle them, and love them, and you’re not gonna stop me.”

“We’ll see about that!” proclaimed the Heracross, and one to the near death battle later, he tore off some bug skin from his chest to reveal a Sonichu Medallion. “Sonichu powers, _ACTIVATE!”_

“Babbies use Flamethrower k.”

Somehow, the Donbox babies made a little “blep” noise and just shot out _so much fire_. It absolutely decimated Heracross before he could even transform.

In fact, the range was so wide that it hit Flaaffy, burning her alive. Seriously, those screams of absolute pain and misery would just sort of stick with people. After eons, the screams died down, and so too did Flaaffy.

Amidst the silence of the spectators, Ampharos cheered. “WHOO! YEAH, TAKE THAT ME HA HAaaa oh wait…”

Ampharos stumbled, looking down at her hand, noticing one of two things.

The first was that she was melting.

The second being that she was translucent.

It must’ve been pure agony, melting within yourself at such high temperatures and you faded from all existence entirely. I mean, Ampharos probably knew, but the inherent nature of third person limited kept us confined to whoever’s mindset we’re currently focusing on in this scene. Ladybug, probably. Mostly the one writing the flavor text. I mean, how meta is that.

Anyway, Ampharos was fucking dead and her plot was so neatly wrapped up, so let’s turn our attention back to Heracross

His body a mangled and charred wreck on the floor, Heracross weakly lifted his head. “T-This isn't over! You’ve made a grave mistake! Prepare for my _FINAL ATTA--”_

And then he was squashed by Shed and Peridot, who just totally _destroyed_ the ceiling as they crashed in.

“HA HAAAAA SUCK IT CLODS,” Peridot hollered, voice booming like an absolute god.

By this point everyone had come in, if only to just stare at this _fucking insane sight._

“BOW BEFORE US, PUNY MORTALS,” Peridot cackled, standing tall and proud atop Shed. You know, some say height denotes power. God knows Invader Zim followed that logic, and Rebecca Sugar being the weeb that she is prolly stole that idea the same way Jhonen Vazques or however tf you spell his name did. So anyway, Peridot, being the based Gem that she was, decided to use her powers to smite those that deserved it.

“AQUATIC BASED LIFEFORM!” she snapped.

Spongebob jolted to attention. “Yes, ma’am?”

“If there’s anything I learned from the past few thousand words of this Gem forsaken fic, it’s that anyone without a plump bootylicious plot should be publicly executed.”

Spongebob gulped. “Um.”

“But since that’s way too messy, you’re gonna suffer the next best thing. You’re hereby losing your license to milkshake.”

He gave a heart shattering gasp. “B-but why?!?”

Shed slid himself forward, Heracross’s guts visibly smearing, so Peridot could be close enough to lean right next to his ear and say the words that would haunt him for all eternity.

_“Because your ass is flat.”_

As Spongebob fell to his knees, completely broken from such a failure, Peridot turned back to her inferior equals. Or just her inferiors. Same diff.

“I AM YOUR GOD NOW,” she proclaimed in all her holy glory. “AND AS THE COMBINED FORCE OF PERI/SHED, YOU WILL ALL HAVE SOON _PERISHED!_ ”

Everyone was quiet for a moment.

 _“I don't get it,_ ” admitted Shed.

Peridot just looked exasperated. “It’s our ship name you fucking clod, let’s just go tAKE OVER THE TRISTATE AREA!”

They crashed outta the restaurant, Peridot cackling being heard even in the distance.

Again, there was more silence. Seems that only existed bc the author had to pad out word count or something, but hey, mass silence was totally believable amirite??

And then there was utter _pandemonium._

God.

Who would even work in a place like this?

* * *

Mareep, apparently.

After the utter shitstorm that just happened, people seemed to think it to be the _perfect_ time to order some food. Like, obviously.

“Hey, I’ll take a milkshake,” asked an actually amicable looking fish.

“Yes, would you like that in vanilla or chocolate?”

“...Chocolate? Did you say... _chocolate?”_

“Oh god please no.”

“Chocolate?! _Chocolate?!”_

“Sir I’m begging you I don't get paid enough for this.”

The fish jumped onto the counter, tearing off his shirt. _“CHOOOOOCOLAAAAATE.”_

He straight up bolted through the glass windows, probably bloody as a result of it. “ ** _CHOOOOOOOOCOLAAAAAAATE._** ”

Who cared, he was gone now.

Mareep sighed. “Next?”

“Murr…”

“Oh god no.”

It was, you totally guess it, Plankton! “GIMME THE SECRET INGREDIENT SHEEPLE.”

Mareep stepped on him, killing him instantly.

“Next,” Mareep called out, more of a bounce to her tone.

Next in like was a fucking bunny or something. Amanda would probably go cray cray over it if she wasn't conveniently out of this scene despite there being no reason for her to be gone. “Loki,” the bunny drawled in eerie monotone. “Could you help me find a magic packet of chips?”

At this point, Mareep wasn't about to pass on an opportunity to get out of this godforsaken job.

She grabbed Loki and fucking _bolted_ out of there, needing the time off for her sanity.

“NO RUNNING IN MY GODDAMN LOBBY,” yelled Mr. Moseby of all people. Yeah, remember that show? The Suite Life of Zack and Cody? So fucking good. I hear Dylan and Cole Sprouse are doing alright nowadays. Good for them.

So yeah. Ladybug straight up vaulted over the counter as Chat Noir took control of the register.

“SIR YOU ARE NOT THE MANAGER HERE,” Ladybug told the delusional manchild.

“YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE PRNDL,” he shot back, at which point Ladybug just straight up grabbed him and took him outside.

Meanwhile, Chat Noir was trying his best to be the _good_ employee. “Can I take your order?” he asked, flashing an unintentionally seductive grin. Like, damn boy. Chill tf out.

A surprisingly normal looking girl smiled back, the only wacky feature of hers being a bow and arrow. “Hi, I’m Harley and I’d like--”

“Oh! Um, sorry, but we can't serve you,” said Chat sheepishly.

Harley reeled her head back. “Excuse me?”

“You’re an OC for a Fire Emblem fan fic,” Chat tsked. “Not from the source material itself.

“But Shed’s a friend of the author of this fucking fic!”

“Who was given a plot as Peridot’s love interest and turned into an actual shed.”

“Amanda’s a friend too and she is literally made into a caricature of some baby obsession!”

“Yeah, but she’s the one who actually created you, and she likes babies and Donbox babies were a thing so…”

“This is bullshit and I hope you know you're alienating a majority of the audience by referring to things centric to this fucking bet,” Harley huffed.

Chat shrugged. “Sorry.”

Harley stomped away, muttering something about how “my parents didn't go cray cray and evil for this…”.

So the next person in line walked up, and it was obvious by her art style that the reader could so obviously see that she was apart of the same show as Taylor from waaaay back in the early paragraphs of the fic. Man, how far we’ve come.

“Can I take your order?” Chat asked.

“Ya, did you know that my great great great great aunt invented fast food? No one ever thought to cook food at the convenience of others before her!” Oh god it was Staci. Season four, Total Drama Revenge of the Island, look it up Mareeple.

“Oh, that's cool?” Chat was more confused if anything.

“Ya! And my great great great great great grand uncle actually invented the art of writing! Before that no one ever thought to use writing as a means of settling a bet!”

 _Now_ Chat was all the more attentive.

“And my great grandmother prophecized that everyone will leave the Shoppe™ in exactly thirty seconds! Ya, her name was PikaScootaloo, but she’s also known as espurr-roba in this dimension! How cool is that?”

“Um.”

“She’s like, our god. She’s controlling everything right now!”

Well, Chat couldn't argue with those statistics. And by that, I mean he really wanted to but dark forces kept him from doing so. Did he really though? Or was it just that force that was making him think as such?

Staci held up three fingers. Then two. Then one. Then…

A song started to play outside, muffled but definitely close enough to hear.

_“...if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends…”_

The boy in line behind Staci, with bright red hair and the look of a Pokemon Gold/Silver/Crystal + the remakes rival, had this faraway look in his eyes of pure and utter defeat. “Oh no…”

His father, who was definitely some sort of mafia don from… mmmmm, I’d say the first gen Pokemon games, gasped in utter elation. “OOOH SILVER BOY IT’S THE SPICE GIRLS,” exclaimed Giovanni.

Silver groaned. “Dad please…”

 _“IT CAN LAST FOREVER ‘CAUSE FRIENDSHIP NEVER EEEEENDS,”_ Giovanni instead sang, leading his unwilling son out of the establishment, literally everyone following suit to enjoy a wicked cool Spice Girls concert.

Soon it was just the employees inside, Staci even gone.

Ladybug stepped inside from her body disposal task, looking just as confused as Chat.

After a beat of silence, they came to one mutual decision.

Like hell they’d miss a Spice Girls concert.

* * *

So pretty much everyone alive went to enjoy this lovely night sitting among the stars. And also those balls of gas in space. Mmmmm, funnyyyyyyy joke.

To be entirely honest the joke didn't even really make sense to begin with, considering they were apparently in the burning void that was hell itself. Surprise! They were in the underworld all along!! Maaaan, twists are amazing aren't they?

But whatever, you want to know how our favorite characters were feeling about this, don't you?

Don and Donbox were happily enjoying their monogamous relationship, sitting with their fire breathing children as they listened to the Spice Girls like a family. Amanda played with their children, content to be their go-to babysitter.

With fond memories of eating each other’s buttholes, Garnet and Opal were providing backup vocals backstage, their vocals secretly being orgasmic moans of ecstasy. Not like anyone could tell the difference.

The seven mile spanking machine came up with the brilliant idea to do the “WOMP WOMP” thing in unison, following along to the music. It was dope af.

DJ’s Momma absentmindedly ate the carrot that contained the last trace of her dear son’s essence. She drove herself to madness in beat to the Spice Girl’s rhythm.

Shaymin thought of doing a cover to this song, planning on substituting almost everything with their vaguely rhythmic cursings.

Hawkmoth was too busy assisting Vivillon in making the flames of hell seem way more badass. It was nice background music to work to, though.

Dawn was too busy tongue kissing her Piplup to even listen to the music. This was more of a hell to Piplup than living _in hell_ had ever been.

The chocolate guy was nowhere to be found. Hope he was okay. Or not. We all liked how funny he was.

Mr. Moseby, it seemed, had completely disappeared. Ladybug refused to comment on the matter, citing her fifth amendment rights despite being in fucking hell. Still.

Harley played along to the tune using her bow as like, a one stringed harp. Her lack of effecting the story bothered her greatly.

Staci was gone, but some say she was watching over them… and by that, they meant she was up on top of the Shoppe™'s roof, eagerly watching the show.

Giovanni’s dreams of finally living in a time where the Spice Girls were finally a current thing had finally come true. Thing couldn't have been better for him.

After years of suffering from the insidious melody that was the Spice Girls, Silver had the strong urge to just run away from this godforsaken place, murder being an optional yet preferable choice.

Peridot and Shed ruled the world above ground. Some say they would come back to free those trapped in hell. Others just hope the above world can suffer the same way they do.

Mareep, glad to be off shift for once in her life, leisurely enjoyed a packet of chips with Loki, the chips prolly being magic or something. With any luck it’d shorten her lifespan.

Spongebob, suffering from what we internet savvy folks call Blue Screen of Death, or BSOD, just sort of numbly watched along with the performance. He was, after all, irreversibly damaged. All because he had an ass that just did quit.

Ladybug and Chat Noir, relieved to just have each other’s company, snuggled together. Things were questionably okay between them, considering where they lived now.

And Wooper? Well, Wooper went on to do great things. Maybe his story would be told someday. It fucking wouldn't, but it doesn't hurt to have irrational hope.

In the end, none of it matter. Because in the drive thru of hell, anything was possible. And if that anything was _this_ , well, then that’s a guarantee.

* * *

The moon shone in the forest clearing, and she took a moment to enjoy the fresh air above ground now that the narrative shifted away from hell.

It didn't take long to do what she did. I mean, a pentagram made entirely of clarinets? Eaaasy. Getting so many clarinets was only slightly less easy.

In any case, the pentagram was formed, and she stepped back to admire her handiwork. Lookin’ goooood. Now there was just one last step.

Certain that the shine of the moon was in the right angle, she took a steady breath and recited the incantation.

“... _asinus autem dicitur ha proni translate…”_

The air became thick, the color drained from the beautiful landscape until it was nothing but grey, grey, and more grey. A dark smoke lifted from the pentagram, whirling together and it just kept on going until it was forming something _solid_ and

…

It worked.

She looked tentatively over to what she summoned, the being that was said to be a force far greater than that of Vivillon, that this force was responsible for all the hell these employees were put through.

And finally, they spoke.

“Hi, I’m Catbug!”

Never before had she seen a being so utterly _terrifying._

She stepped forward, bowing to him. “Hello. It’s so nice to finally meet you again.”

And Catbug bowed. “Likewise, miss espurr-roba!”

She had to admit, it felt great to be regarded as an equal to a being of darkness and despair. “Are you still planning on following through as the big bad manager?”

“I already have!” chirped Catbug. “The mortals know how much of a threat I am! They cower to the woefully ineffectual Peridot!”

She grinned, nodding. “Yup! Man, am I glad we’re on the same page.”

“Yes! Or else I would have to carmalize your insides until they’re sugary and sweet!”

“Ha ha, yeah…” she sighed nostalgically. “So you wanna get some coffee?”

“Totally!”

  
And the author was pleased.


End file.
